Same disclaimer and thanks and all that stuff from the main story apply here, as well. ~Steph~
There's nothing to me now.
An empty shell unfolded.
How, when we learn to pray inside our demons are laughing.
The rain around him fell, cold and unfeeling for this miserable creature that stood, leaning against his old staff for support. His once-magical staff with the deep red gem at the end was no longer useful, but he kept it with him as a reminder of his other life, the one he had renounced forever. And he stood, cold and oblivious to the pounding rain, his eyes blank and glazed over as he stared at her grave. She was there. She was truly there, beneath the ground. Part of him had hoped, as he had been beaten to death, that some miracle would happen and she would be allowed to live. But he had a hard time believing in miracles. They had never happened to him; besides, wasn’t he supposed to prevent miracles from happening? That was what he was created to do, was it not? Destroy the world and everything good in it, allowing chaos to reign once more. Was that not what his kind was made to do?
How long will this go on?
Are we a bit much stronger?
He felt as though he were in chaos now, floating along in some dark void, not knowing where he would end up. He didn’t know when it would end, when he would find himself again, if he ever did. He was beginning to believe that he had lost his true self the moment he met her. As hard as he had tried to deny it, her influence had slowly but surely begun to change him. He hadn’t known what it was at the time, and he still didn’t know how she had managed to do it, but he realized that that’s when he had started to feel strange emotions inside of him. Guilt. Regret. And, dare he even think it…love? Love was out of the question. Guilt: perhaps. Regret: maybe. But love: no. There was no place for love in a Mazoku’s life, and it was argued that his kind didn’t even have the capacity for such an emotion. Love is the antithesis of destruction in a way. Because of its inexplicable power to renew life and bring joy beyond measure, it would have meant his death; therefore he could not feel such a thing.
Do you think you can save me from living this way?
I don't know how to love.
I just know how to live.
All I feel is hate.
Will you forgive me?
Of course that was true, he reasoned. His ‘love’ had only ended in death, if it had been love in the first place. Her love, on the other hand, had made him feel what could only be joy, and it had made him feel new and refreshed, as though he had been cleansed. But what had he done for her? He had stained her light with his darkness, and brought inevitable tragedy upon both of them. He should never have allowed himself to become involved with her. He should have gone on with his life as he knew it, and never tasted of her love. It would have been better, he reasoned, to never know… To never know what it felt like to have her…to hold her…to have her hold him…to taste, touch, and feel what never should have been. It was almost not worth the wretched pain inside of him to even have that memory. The tears in his eyes burned, seeming to remind him again that his punishment would never end. Even if he did manage to exact revenge on their killers, what then? If he returned to the empty darkness of death, it would be the same. Forever without her… But with this thought came a certain twisted relief. Should he ever see her again, would she even forgive him? For some reason, he couldn’t bear this thought. He had failed her. Even if he had managed to save her life in the end, he never could have been what she wanted him to be.
For all those things I've done, they keep on creeping by me.
And though we've changed our ways...
Still all our demons are laughing.
In his old life, he had always believed he had never truly failed at anything. He accomplished his missions by any means necessary, even if someone else did it for him, much like what Lina did in killing Valgaav and Darkstar. He had committed many acts of violence, destruction, and mayhem, and had always reveled in it. He had never expected Filia to accept him for what he was and love him despite what he did to her people, but she had. He still didn’t know why…he never had the chance to ask her. He regretted it, just as he regretted so many things. It was as if his ‘rebirth’ had awakened these memories as not things to be proud of as he once was in his old life, but it had brought with these memories terrible guilt, confusion and torment.
How long will this go on?
Aren't we a bit much stronger?
I'd like to think you've come into my life to stay
What was the point in getting revenge when he was only going to return to a formless state, lost in chaos forever, his only memories are the ones of a golden-haired dragon that he dared to love and would never see again? He had tried to believe that when the crow had told him he had a second chance, that meant that after all of this was over and the wrong things had been set right, everything would return to normal and Filia would be alive again.
I don't know how to love.
I just know how to live.
All I feel is hate.
Will you forgive me?
But he had come to realize that this just wasn’t true. Who was he to believe that he could ‘put the wrong things right’? He, whose hands were already stained with so much blood. His soul, if he had one, was as black as a dark void…impenetrable by the light. How did he hope to make things right again by killing more? He deserved death as much as they did…
I don't know how to breathe with you too far away.
Don't know how to love.
Will you forgive me?
He had failed her. He had hurt her without laying a finger on her…because he was the way he was. She had tried to ignore it, and he supposed that it was easier to simply pretend that things were okay, that there would never be complications. With Filia, he had been tempted to believe that perhaps he could touch the light of forgiveness and find some meaning to his life. Never before had he even wondered about a meaning for his life other than serving his master. And then Filia, with her stubborn ways, had showed him that even she who was also bound to serve as a priestess could ‘forsake’ her Lord and master and start a new life. A life that she wanted, not that someone else wanted for her. He had tried not to think about it; to renounce the Mazoku race was to renounce one’s life. He had no fear of renouncing it now.
No, I can't live this way!
I don't know how to love.
I just know how to live.
All I feel is pain.
Will you forgive me?
But he was tired. He was sick and tired of thinking the same thoughts over and over again. He found himself missing the strangely comforting familiarity of his old life. Serving the Greater Beast had been a routine job, somewhat tedious and boring at times, but it had been all he knew. He hadn’t known how to love Filia the way she’d wanted him to. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about her? He was going to go insane if her memory did not leave his tortured mind…but he knew he would always see her as she lay there, battered and bloodied on the floor, looking up at him with pleading eyes.
I don't know how to breathe with you too far away.
I don't know how to love.
His dreams were always the worst. Always she would be standing there, dark blood staining her pink gown. Staining her soul, just like he had. And always she would stare at him, her face blank, and her body unmoving, but her eyes…oh gods her eyes…instead of pleading with him, they would bore into his soul with such accusation and pain. And always he would hear her ask the question…her voice just barely above a whisper… “Why, Xelloss? Why did you let this happen?”
Past lives I've lived.
Uncontrolled but sacred.
And then her form would shift and disappear, leaving him alone again to bear the weight of her words. He would then be standing high on a cliff, the sky all around him. The air was cool, but he could smell death in the air. Suddenly the sky would turn a blood red, and he would see thousands upon thousands of dragons fall from the sky. He looked up in horror to see one crash right in front of him. Unable to speak or move, he watched as the dragon turned its head towards him and narrowed its deep blue eyes at him. With a roar it screamed, “You killed her! You killed her! Murderer DEMON!”
You've finally seen all that's left of me.
So hard to see.
So hard to breathe.
And he knew that that’s what he was. A murderer demon. Something that he once would have been happy to be called. But now he only felt empty inside. Was that all he was? Was there truly nothing more to him? Was he wrong to continue to go on and not give up searching for…for whatever remained of him after his ‘mission’ was finally over? He didn’t know. And even though he didn’t know if he could make it through this, or even what the purpose of it was, he would go on. And maybe, just maybe, she would forgive him.
Note: Wasn't that nice and angsty? I very rarely get inspired to do songfics, but this one just happened to fit the story quite well.