Return to the Beginning

     Author’s note: This is a poemfic. The poem used here is " Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair." The poem is originally in Spanish, but I’m just going to work with the translations. It is going to be a dark fic, since the poem itself is rather depressing. I haven’t decided on a specific time frame but it definitely takes time after TRY. Another warning, this is a Xel/Filia fanfic, and it doesn’t have a happy ending. So don’t read it if you a) Don’t like Xel, Filia, or Xel and Filia together, or b) Don’t like depressing stories. That’s all, enjoy

     Xelloss sat down, his face expressionless. He was in his room, or what passed for his room, on Wolf Pack Island. He made an attempt to smile, but failed. So he kept his face expressionless.
     The room had no windows. Technically, the room didn’t exist either, but that wasn’t important. He did wish he could look at the stars a bit though, they always calmed him down.
     Didn’t she understand that she was making a mistake? A huge mistake. But why did he bother, everything was wrong from the beginning. Xelloss was beginning to understand why Valgarv wanted to destroy the world. There was just so many things wrong with it.
     Silently, he pulled a book out of thin air and opened it to a clean page. How long had it been since he had last written in this book? The date told him that it was too long. Too long ago. And it will be forgotten again once he was done with it. So why did he bother?
     Xellas-sama gave me a new mission, he wrote. This time I have to finish what I started. The war is coming and she said that we must win. In order to do that, I—He stopped, unable to go on.

     Taking a deep breath, the priest continued. Anyway, I have new orders. And for the first time in a thousand years, I doubted her. I don’t know if I can do it.

     " Xelloss, what are you doing?" Filia asked curiously as the Trickster Priest covered her eyes. She heard his light laughter.
     " It’s a secret, Filia-chan. Just be patient."
     She allowed herself to be led by him. It felt like he was taking her through the sky. Then they jolted to a stop.
     " Xelloss?"
     He uncovered her eyes.
     " Surprise!"
     " Happy Birthday!"
      Filia gasped as confetti fell and horns tooted. She was in the Royal castle of Sailoon and all her friends, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia and Valgarv were there. The castle was decorated in festive colors and there was enough food to feed an army.
     "What?" She looked at Xelloss, confused. He had told her he would keep this quiet. He winked at her.
     " You were getting depressed, so I thought the party would cheer you up." He whispered. " Don’t worry, tonight you’re with all the people who see you as you, not as a dragon who has betrayed her race."
     " And you, Xelloss?" She asked, sapphire eyes intent. " Do you see me as just me? Or am I just another dragon?"
     " Filia-chan is always Filia-chan in my heart."

     " Xellas-sama, what?" He couldn’t have heard her right.
     " Xelloss, you heard what I said." His master said firmly, letting out a waft of smoke. " Leave her. Now."
     " But Xellas-sama…"
     " I am ashamed of you! You, my Priest-General! Falling in love with a Dragon. A Gold Dragon. Leave her now."
     He closed his mouth.
     " I see you understand. Be grateful that I do not request you to finish her off."
     " Yes, Xellas-sama."

     What was the best way to go about this, he wondered. Indeed, he had doubts the moment he saw her again. Filia’s eyes were so expectant and happy that he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
     " Hello, Xel! Where have you been?" She laughed as she pulled him inside, showing him the new things she added to her shop.
     " Here and there," He answered vaguely.
     " Oh? Tell me about it?"
     " I…can’t."
     Filia noticed that something was wrong, after all, it was pretty obvious that Xelloss wasn’t all here. " What’s the matter? You’re completely out of it."
     " Nothing."
     She got a stern, lecturing look on her beautiful face. " Now, Xelloss. I know you can’t tell me every single thing, but I do have a right to know what’s bothering you."
     " I…" He forced his smile back on his face. " I have some new mission I have to complete, so I won’t be around for awhile." There, he said it. His first lie.
     " Aww…How long is awhile?" She asked, looking a little sad.
     " I don’t know, it’s still up in the air."
     " Is this mission dangerous?"
     It tore at his inhuman heart that she was so worried over a lie. " No, I just don’t know how long."
     " Oh." Filia said in a small voice. " Well, be careful, okay?"
     " All right."
     She hugged him. " I’ll wait for you."

     That was almost fifty years ago. He wondered if she was still waiting.
     Xelloss thanked the gods that Mazoku don’t need sleep, otherwise he would be plagued by nightmares formed of his own guilt.
     Why? He wrote. Why do I feel guilty? I’m not capable of that feeling. I’m not capable of loving. Am I?

     And now this. He didn’t know what he could take anymore. He didn’t feel sane anymore. It was just all wrong. All beauty and wrongness.
     " This is such a screwed up world." He muttered, flinging the book away.

     The night was dark. Moonless. Everything was silent, as if the world was waiting for his next move. For the feather that will break the camel’s back. The world held its breath. Xelloss took a deep breath and held it for a long minute before letting it out.

     The choice had been made. In the end, he had chose his Master over his Love. It didn’t matter if it was unfair, that was the choice he made. And as a Demon, a creature of Darkness, he should’ve felt no guilt, no remorse. Why did he feel?

     Maybe this is supposed to be his ultimate punishment. This pain he had to endure because of what he did to others. Someway to make up for all the wrong things he had done. But that wasn’t right either. He was doing nobody a favor when he goes through with this. It’s all wrong.
     His chest hurts. Where his heart used to be. But he’s Mazoku. Mazoku have no heart, no soul.

     Violet eyes with slitted pupils canned through the dark town. He needed no light to see. Another testiment to his inhumanity. Was it so bad to be human? Was it so bad to not be human?
     What is human anyway? Come to think of it, what is Dragon and Demon and Chaos? It was all wrong.

     Stopping by the tree near her store, he sat down. Yes, he was close. This tree held memories. He wanted to forget. Those memories were bad for him. They were filled with love and caring. Bad for Mazoku. Loving hurts.

     He wondered briefly if he could turn back. He could. But he couldn’t. There was no way back, from the moment that he fell in love with her. If someone asked him if he regretted it, he wouldn’t be able to answer in the negative. He had loved her so much.

     Filia opened her eyes. It was pitch black in her room, but she could see fine. Someone was there. Someone familiar…someone…
     A shadow detached itself from the greater darkness. " Hello, Filia-chan."

     " Xel?" she whispered hoarsely.
     " Yes."
     She could see him now. The Priest smiled at her, but she could see something in his eyes. Something that she didn’t recognize. He was thinner, and the mask was off. The sunny face that he showed to the world was hidden, and the real Demon was out.

     " Did you wait for me?" He asked softly, coming closer.
     She looked at him, dark blue eyes unfathomable. Xelloss could feel himself drowning in those depths. No! Remember the mission!
     " Yes."
     " Are you wondering why I’m back?"
     " No." She smiled sadly. " I know."
     Gently, he touched her cheek. "You know?"
     " Yes. I missed you, Xel."
     " Filia-chan, I missed you too."
     She wrapped her arms around him, eyes understanding. " What will happen now?"
     " The world will end." He replied.
     " Is that the only way?"
     "Yes."
     She kissed his forehead. " Will I feel it?"
     Xelloss looked at the only one he had ever loved. The one who taught him to feel again. " It won’t hurt."
     Filia closed her eyes. " Do it."
     Xelloss sealed his lips against hers at the same time he shot a tight beam of dark energy through her heart.
     Filia went limp against him.
     "I…love…you…" she whispered.
     "I love you too." He said as he picked her up in his arms. She sighed quietly, then stilled. Woodenly, Xelloss walked out. Dimly, the Mazoku heard a sound that sounded like running footsteps. He ignored that and continued his stroll. Before he leaves for good, he wanted to visit all the places they had been together at.
     "Xe-XELLOSS??"
     Lina Inverse stopped dead in her tracks, causing Gourry and the others to run into her. Xelloss looked at her blankly, holding Filia in his arms. Lina blanched at the sight.
     "What did you do to Filia!?"
     "I killed her." He replied with an eerie calm.
     "What?" Lina choked. " You-she LOVED you!!"
     "I know."
     "You BASTARD!" Lina slapped him as hard as she could, tears streaming down her cheeks. " How could you?!"
     Xelloss looked unmoved, except for the red welt on his cheek.
     "You’ll understand later, Lina."

     Two years later, the world as the human, Demons and Dragons had known it ended by the will of The Lord of Nightmares.