If I Could Live Forever

Author’s note: I DO work better under pressure!^_^. Amazing, isn’t it? Anyway, hopefully this will both pass the time and ease the frustration of dealing with automated registering for classes. For those who want warnings/hints of what’s going on, well, this is a Gourry/Lina fic, don’t get mad at me. Nothing else extreme planned.

**

Her hands shook.

Gods, they were shaking.

Not just her hands. Her whole body seemed intent on refusing her orders to stay still. Her eyes ignored her plea to stop tearing up, her nose continued to run, her throat continued to emit sobs even as she choked them back. Her legs felt weak as she started resolutely at the ground that blurred and ran even as the tears escaped.

Too close. That was just too close.

Too close for comfort, too close for everything. She never wanted that to happen, ever again. Not ever. No…

It was as if in that split second she could see everything, feel everything, own everything…and to have it taken away, torn from her grasp. That precious thing that she didn’t know she had until it was waved in front of her face and grounded into the dirt.

Almost. She almost lost it. Almost, because of her stupidity and pride.

Almost. But not quite.

She won. She won this one. She didn’t lose.

But what about next time? And the time after that? And the time after that?

Could she be sure that she will win, every time?

That was too close.

Her mind repeated the mantra over and over again as she tried to push back the fear that continued to well up. Not a fear for her own life, not a fear of pain or sorrow or hardship. A fear of loss.

" Lina?"

She shook. Shook very, very hard. The thin wisp of a girl trembled like a dried autumn leaf in the oncoming winter winds. She almost lost it. She almost lost that precious thing. " I…" She started, but couldn’t finish. The tears wanted her attention, wanted her voice. And they took her voice until she could not answer, but only look with silent eyes.

She had gone into the battle with her usual cockiness and self-confidence. She had felt that she was up to the challenge, and it was going to be a minor workout, at best. She had thought so many things. And now she felt ashamed to think them, because they were stupid. She was so naïve to think that she could pull it off.

" Lina, are you all right?"

No, I’m not all right. I’m scared shitless because I thought I could live forever and I couldn’t, not without you. And just thinking of it scares me, just the possibility scares me, just the notion, just the hint, just the suggestion of it makes me want to cry. I don’t know when I’ve become such a coward, but I’m so scared at the thought of losing you. Everyone has to die but the thought of you being the one shoves me over the edge like nothing else ever had, I don’t understand any of this, none of it at all.

And so she didn’t say anything, because she didn’t understand it, and putting it into words seemed somehow clumsy and crude beyond belief to her. She merely held out her arms in a silent plea for comfort, just like when she was little. When she was little and believed that she could fly…

He offered that comfort and she took it, not really caring anymore that she was acting completely unlike her usual self in front of him. The fear was too great right now, the memory too fresh for her to care about such things. She wanted to hold on and make sure that yes, he was still here, and yes, she didn’t lose him. The ‘yet’ still hung near her, casting more fear on the abundance that was already there, but for now, she could ignore that. She grasped what was tangible and clung to it for dear life. She didn’t care that he was almost crushing her because that meant she was alive and he was alive and that made the world all right, for her at least.

Don’t think about the next time right now, don’t think about the next, next time. Just be grateful you learned the lesson and the price of it wasn’t high enough to kill you. Just be grateful that you have learned to cherish what is there all along, and to still have it with you. Just be grateful.

" It’s okay, Lina. Everything’s okay…"

Everything’s not okay, but I understand it now, Gourry. It’ll be okay for you and me, because I’ll never be that stupid again. Even if I have forever to live, I’ll learn to cherish time. Because no one has forever to live, Gourry, not you and not me and not even the gods. Because forever is a very long time and it’s too long to live alone. Even if I can live forever, I don’t want to live it without you.